Yup, that girl is meh XDUgh...you know, I'm glad that at least you're here ^^
Yes I know your always my shoulder to rely on, that's the reason why I've come back here. It's been a long time, huh?
Really, I've missed those days...when I was not alone...when everything was not this hard, for me, and you.
We're now have our own stuffs to worry, too many things have happened...and I know too well that you dont feel much better than me. Life's hard, right?
Uhh...yeah...life's so hard...
Living in life is much more harder....
It's a bit too much, isn't it?
Too much for me to handle, well, at least for now.
Guess I need a break...I hope everything is gonna be fine when I return, ugh...if it's ever possible...
Thank you for being here, you know it means a lot to me, really.
We should be here more often, neh?
Haha, I hope~
Mmm, my body aches all over. I needa go take some rest...
You take care.
Hope we'll take soon, then we can draw the belated Halloween pic together, ne?
It's been quite a time, isn't it?
Sorry that I when you was in your hard time, I was never there to help you.
I should just leave a comment under you post, however, it would just be like my unwanted sympathy for a stranger.
and you're no stranger.
Instead, I've come back and write and small entry just to let you know that even if I can't be there in time to help you through your emotional crisis, you can always know who to turn to if you need one to share
I don't know what happened, neither do I know how you have to struggle through this crisis. I can only say the same old thing that I always say to you
Everything will be just fine
Cliche
But hey, we're strong and independent girls, there's nothing should hold us back from our chosen paths, right?
be stronger, be more resistant, be more creative to achieve whatever we want to have in life.
*share you a piece of my optimism*
G'day : )
Everything couldn't be worse.
It turned to be the worst.
He beat me.
Dad beat me.
Hard.
Just because he told me my Art teacher was a jerk and didnt allow me to study with him again, and I got mad.
I lost my control, completely.
So did he.
He beat me.
He wanted to kill me.
I told him to do so.
That I didn't want to live anymore.
That I'd rather die. I wanted to die. I always want to.
He almost did that.
I didn't mind. I didn't care.
I couldn't stop crying.
Then he said, I was no longer his daughter.
I didn't say a word. I was just crying. Crying. Crying.
Mom kept scolding, and scolding, and scolding.
I was no wrong. I was no wrong. No wrong no wrong no wrong.
They said, I was a liar.
Liar! Liar! Liar! Liar!
I was not. I am not. Not not not!
I had no idea since when I'd become a cryingbaby. Fuck! I am not a cryingbaby. I am not.
I am not...
a liar...
Never before, in my whole life, had I kept crying that much. Never. Ever.
So much. Too much, that I couldn't see anymore.
Going blind, everything was just a blur. Those colors seemed to fade into gray.
Crying crying crying.
I wanted to die. I was going to do so.
I had always lived for them, for them, for them.
For their sake!
But they didn't need me anymore.
I was just merely a worst person in the world.
A liar.
I became numb.
Mom kept scolding, scolding, complaining, complaining, comparing, comparing.
Stepping onto my dreams.
It hurt.
Hurt...
I kept unmoving. Laying there and closing my blinded teary eyes.
Crap, crap, crap, tears refused to stop shedding.
They left me alone. In the darkness.
Like I gave a shit.
Dad came, and apologized.
Godforsaken me!
Knowing too fucking well how damn much he loves me, I still couldn't control.
I know.
I know.
That he loves me.
He always does.
More than anything.
I realized, I was just a jerk.
Not a liar, but a sucker.
I didn't mind those bruises, those wounds...
I don't mind.
Because I deserve them.
It's okay. Everything is gonna be okay. Stop crying, oh please, stop crying.
Please!
I love Dad. And Mom, and my bro.
I always do.
I live for them, for them, for them.
And I will do until my very last time.
Even if they hate me.
I will still do live for them.
Cause I know, for sure, they love me.
It's just me hates myself.
It doesnt matter. I live for them. I die for them.
Just gimme some spaces....I need a break...
I need time,
to dry my tears.
Damn damn damn, I dont want to be a cryingbaby.
I am not a weakling!
Stop crying already, you jerk!
It still hurts...
I did it, again!
I am sorry, it hurts too much. It hurts, it does hurt. Too much.
Why me? Why always me?
Why didn't they trust me? Why do they never trust me? Like I do...
Why did they scold me that much? And threaten to beat me up?
What did I do?
I was just trying, trying, trying my best to stand up, to stand up and get over my depression these days. I was just trying, trying so hard to lift myself up, from my messy life, messy thoughts, to go to that fucking swimming class that I hate for life, no matter how tired and depressed I was, no matter how.... tired, depressed, tired, depressed, tired, depressed....
But dammit, it was raining, so hard, so heavily...and the traffic was so terrible....I could have gone home, but I didn't. However, I... I was late, late, late for 5 fucking minutes. And they didn't let me in. Gosh, 5 minutes.
And I fell...fell...fell..
I didn't complain, I just passed by to give my friend back her USB, for our ongoing Administration Project, and went home.
And Goddammit, they got mad, so mad, so unfair, so mad, because they thought that I had skipped the class.
That I hadn't brought my towel, on purpose.
That I had been late, on purpose.
That I had no intention of going to the class in the first place.
That I had just pretended to go to school, then went out and had a lot of fun with friends instead.
Gosh!
Fuck!
Gosh!
I was depressed, Gosh, I was fucking depressed so badly, and all I did so wrong is forgetting to bring my towel?
Wrong. Wrong. So wrong.
Enough to get scolded a lot, a lot, a lot, like I had just murder somebody.
Enough to go nuts and snap back, then become an ungrateful daughter.
Enough to be a sinful one.
Awesome.
First was an irresponsible owner, a bad friend.
Now a terribly sinful daughter.
Could it get any better?
Yes.
I cried.
Cried. Cried. Cried.
The Godforsaken cold freak who never cries, cried. Cried, cried, cried her head off.
Like today was the end of the world.
Like there was no tomorrow.
There wasn't. And wouldn't. Ever.
Dad, Mom, do you understand me?
No, you’re a bad daughter!
My dear friends, do you understand me?
Who are you to understand?
Do I understand myself?
Who am I? Who am I? Who am I?
Fucking no.
I hate crying. I hate, I hate, I hate, I hate. Yet I did. I couldn't help, I couldn't stop.
I couldn't do a thing.
Does anyone care?
Care what? Obviously, no.
It was so great, no, it couldn't be greater, crying desperately knowing too fucking well it was far impossible to have anyone's shoulder to rely on. None at all.
Who would be able to understand a freak?
Then again, do I care?
Hell it's a "no", thank you very much!
All I could know that I was no wrong.
Or was I?
Could you tell me what did I do to deserve that? God, what did I do, what did I do?
Trying to be a good friend, good student, good daughter is not a sin, is it?
Is it?
Tell me, please, tell me.
That I didn't fail.
Tell me? Anyone?
........................................
Nobody.
Mom and Dad didn't trust me.
My close friends couldn't understand me.
My sisters were too busy to remember I still existed.
My partner.....I....I....
I understand now.
......................................
I failed.
Tired. Depressed. Tired. Depressed. Tired. Depressed.
I fell.
I'm falling. I’m fallen.
Into the deepest darkness.
Of miserable agony.
Gosh please forgive me!
For hurting myself.
For punishing myself.
For breaking my promise, and doing that, again.
Goddamme.
Bleeding.
Blood sheds in my name.
Me was gone.
Desperation, if you love me that much, you can stay.
I'm going.
Leaving today behind, you can find me in the world of yesterday....
Okay, so here comes the new Lavi FC~
LAVI FC - We're gonna shower the world with Love and Lavi
I'm trying my best, guys.
----------------------------------------
Ugh...I'm wondering....was it..my mistake, in the first place?
I mean, mine, not yours. You were no wrong choosing me.
Or maybe, cuz Imma chicken.
I knew this would happen, sooner or later. Yes I was fully aware of this, but still, I couldnt avoid it.
I did the last thing I ever want to do in my whole life.
I've made my partner sad.
If your gonna tell me that it's not my fault, then you don't have to. Because I know that, yes, I know that too well. It isn't.
Isn't it?
But could you stop yourself from feeling guilty for hurting your very close friend so badly, knowing too well at the beginning that you would do that yet you weren't able to do anything to stop it? Knowing too well that it would be so damn hard for you to be a responsible person and a good friend at the same time?
Knowing too well that you would feel down even more than anyone?
I couldn't.
It sucks.
Understanding him too well, yet there's still no any other way to fix it.
Sucks.
I suck!
I'm depressed now. Great.
Call me an idiot, please.
I've been thinking too much, probably. I'm sick of thinking to much, but like hell I can control my damn feelings.
And I'm sick now.
One thing's for sure, that I'm not going to give up. I'm a trustworthy one, I am, I really am.
But I truly am a bad friend.
Really, partner, I wish you could understand what I feel right now. I wish...I wish...
I should tell you, shouldn't I? But how?
That day, you called me your lil' sis
That day, I called you my Nii-chan.
And that day, I totally fell in love, with you!
-------------------------------------------
Now, what?
You let me down! Down down down down. Like you always did before!
I thought I could forget all of this, all of depression you brought. I thought I could forget all about you.
And I did.
Yeah, I did. Forgot you, forgot the feeling of love, for you. Forgot all the stupid mood you've done for me.
For me.
I always respect you, as my big brother. As my great brother. As my perfect brother.
I did. And I do, always and always.
But, you! You, never consider me as your friend, your sister, anything. I'm nothing to you, nothing nothing nothing!
You got rid of my nick in your friendlist, without any hesitations, just because you dont like my status. You said that my status had got on your nerves. Oh great!
You didnt even ask me. You didnt even tell me. You didnt even complain face-to-face with me.
You told that to my lil' sis. And then, you deleted me, from your list, from your life!
You didnt even let me have my own feeling, my own way.
Fine!
I'll leave. Your list. Your contact. Your life!
I dont care anymore.
You said "stop here"? Okay, then stop! Stop stop stop.
Whatever. Who cares?
I'm nothing to you, right? Nothing, at the beginning............
Holy crap!
Who the hell do you think you are? My big brother, my greatest brother? Oh yeah, so what? I'm still nothing to you.
And why the hell I have to continue respecting you as that while I'm nothing to your life?
No way in hell!
Enough for that. I'm me, I have my own thinking, and all of this is NOTHING to do with YOU!
I dont care. Dont care. Dont care! Ever again!
Dammit all!
Goddamme!
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