Fallen...

I did it, again!
I am sorry, it hurts too much. It hurts, it does hurt. Too much.
Why me? Why always me?
Why didn't they trust me? Why do they never trust me? Like I do...
Why did they scold me that much? And threaten to beat me up?

What did I do?

I was just trying, trying, trying my best to stand up, to stand up and get over my depression these days. I was just trying, trying so hard to lift myself up, from my messy life, messy thoughts, to go to that fucking swimming class that I hate for life, no matter how tired and depressed I was, no matter how.... tired, depressed, tired, depressed, tired, depressed....
But dammit, it was raining, so hard, so heavily...and the traffic was so terrible....I could have gone home, but I didn't. However, I... I was late, late, late for 5 fucking minutes. And they didn't let me in. Gosh, 5 minutes.

And I fell...fell...fell..

I didn't complain, I just passed by to give my friend back her USB, for our ongoing Administration Project, and went home.
And Goddammit, they got mad, so mad, so unfair, so mad, because they thought that I had skipped the class.
That I hadn't brought my towel, on purpose.
That I had been late, on purpose.
That I had no intention of going to the class in the first place.
That I had just pretended to go to school, then went out and had a lot of fun with friends instead.

Gosh!

Fuck!

Gosh!

I was depressed, Gosh, I was fucking depressed so badly, and all I did so wrong is forgetting to bring my towel?

Wrong. Wrong. So wrong.

Enough to get scolded a lot, a lot, a lot, like I had just murder somebody.
Enough to go nuts and snap back, then become an ungrateful daughter.

Enough to be a sinful one.

Awesome.

First was an irresponsible owner, a bad friend.
Now a terribly sinful daughter.
Could it get any better?

Yes.
I cried.

Cried. Cried. Cried.

The Godforsaken cold freak who never cries, cried. Cried, cried, cried her head off.
Like today was the end of the world.
Like there was no tomorrow.

There wasn't. And wouldn't. Ever.

Dad, Mom, do you understand me?
No, you’re a bad daughter!

My dear friends, do you understand me?
Who are you to understand?

Do I understand myself?
Who am I? Who am I? Who am I?

Fucking no.

I hate crying. I hate, I hate, I hate, I hate. Yet I did. I couldn't help, I couldn't stop.
I couldn't do a thing.

Does anyone care?
Care what? Obviously, no.

It was so great, no, it couldn't be greater, crying desperately knowing too fucking well it was far impossible to have anyone's shoulder to rely on. None at all.

Who would be able to understand a freak?

Then again, do I care?
Hell it's a "no", thank you very much!

All I could know that I was no wrong.
Or was I?
Could you tell me what did I do to deserve that? God, what did I do, what did I do?
Trying to be a good friend, good student, good daughter is not a sin, is it?
Is it?
Tell me, please, tell me.
That I didn't fail.
Tell me? Anyone?
...........................................
Nobody.
Mom and Dad didn't trust me.
My close friends couldn't understand me.
My sisters were too busy to remember I still existed.
My partner.....I....I....

Enough! Enough!

I understand now.
......................................

I failed.

Tired. Depressed. Tired. Depressed. Tired. Depressed.

I fell.

I'm falling. I’m fallen.
Into the deepest darkness.
Of miserable agony.

Gosh please forgive me!
For hurting myself.
For punishing myself.
For breaking my promise, and doing that, again.

Goddamme.

Bleeding.

Blood sheds in my name.

Me was gone.

Desperation, if you love me that much, you can stay.
I'm going.

Leaving today behind, you can find me in the world of yesterday....